Redemption

photo-1564467581445-0477cacdf55a

I dreamt I was at a party
the flooring was made of glass
everyone around me were previous versions
of myself. somewhere a camera flash went off
I didn’t want my picture taken
because I was ashamed of what I might not yet be
I told the 5-year old me there was no one waiting for her
and nothing bad would happen if she stopped waking up
at midnight to check the dark corners of her room
I warned the eleven-year old me not to cut her hair
or buy that sleeveless shirt
the 16-year old me’s were dancing alone
bruises, corsets and tired legs
I then turned to my reincarnation from last year
and opened my mouth to tell her
“yes”, “the answer is yes”
then a squint-eyed boy grabbed my arm
and dragged me out of the apartment
under the urine-colored streetlight, in the tapping
November rain,
he lit a blunt and told me he was God
he said I was losing time trying to redeem what was
already forgiven
I cried because I didn’t want to go back
nor did I have time to be anyone’s Jesus
I cried while he just stood there and got high
when I woke up I felt the fading touch
of ignorance.

 

Birch armed girl

grey scale photo of girl laughing

If suffering is an art
then she is my canvas
wrists dipped in warpaint
I color her survival
she wants to be featureless
so they can’t spot her in the crowd
glued porcelain doll
string of pearls and
a shower of teeth
or a shapeless untouchable
void.

She wields self destruction
like a dagger strapped to her thigh
I’d rather have her raw and pink
I beat her until my skin is so thin
the light shines through
I bless her and keep her until
the waves wash our stripes away.

 

OCD 2.1

two women hugging each other

I was born
a broken fence
an animal farm
where the dogs aren’t sleeping
and I cannot lie;
I’ve been the hilt
the truth that kissed me
bloody
(I never could contain you)

but as we hugged
all the wolves ran by
and none of them noticed me
I was invisible
white flicker between rain
safe in the moment
until the alarm goes off
and the world falls off its hinges
I look out my window
forget about judgement
tinted lenses and smearing eyes
my greatest fear is that
no one is watching