Possibly the ugliest text I’ve ever written

closeup photo of woman sitting on concrete pavement

 

I won’t even try turning this into poetry. This is dirt.

At the age of fifteen, I was convinced I was ugly. Hell, maybe I was. Not just ugly as in unappealing, but as in Franken-style societal reject. These words were repeated so many times in so many different ways – from there she stands, ugly as fuck, to c’mon, aim for her cunt – the insults were varied and sometimes rather creative.

This went on for so long, I eventually started believing I was, indeed, the ugliest girl alive. I started to alienate from the world. From teachers to family to strangers on the street, I genuinely thought I saw anyone who as much as laid eyes on me grin at the sight of the distorted teenage-thing. To this day, I still don’t know if this was actually the case, or maybe just a reflection of my state of mind. What I do remember is the shame.

I tried everything. I even started saving up money for a nose job. I covered myself in hoods and caps, not wanting to give the world the pleasure of peeking through the curtain. Nope, no free tickets here. Try the next freak show! I grew my hair as long as I possibly could, letting it cover my face. For years I was certain the only solution for someone with a face like mine was to make sure it stayed hidden, which meant, I’d never,
ever,
cut my hair again.

Well, fuck. You.

Bilden kan innehålla: Henna Sjöblom, närbild

Bilden kan innehålla: en eller flera personer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sincerely,
Henna

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20 thoughts on “Possibly the ugliest text I’ve ever written

  1. We were often, affected by other people’s opinions of who we should be, how we should look in our younger years, because we look to the outside, for validations of who we are, it’s just, a part of growth, and eventually, some of us learned, that we shouldn’t CARE about what other people think of us, that all we have to do, is to, answer to ourselves…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Agree. It took a long time, I mean, these things tend to stick with you, and even though I known for years that I’m pretty (whatever that’s worth) I haven’t been able to shrug off the thought that if I cut my hair, I wouldn’t be. Doing that, if only to prove it to myself that I’m wrong is kind of like, my final fuck you to these ghosts. 🙂

      Like

  2. I ❤ your honest delivery and you weathering the old, the mislaid, the new, the green. Your writing always hold truth, ugly and beautiful truth, and this – writing about losing territory, ceding territory, painstakingly reclaiming territory and shedding the invading forces – is so important. Protecting one's territory, holding its borders without raising impenetrable walls. The constant struggle for and against validation from the outside. A star you are.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. AAAHAHAHAHAAH
        It doesn’t mean anything I just smashed my hand into the keyboard to generate a random Iamsofuckinghappy sound :,D
        Sorry you had to go through that :,D
        Same to you sis! ❤

        Like

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